Category Archives: marriage

June 19, 2012 · 11:45 am

Close canon law books and open doors of love | National Catholic Reporter

Divorced and remarried Catholics remind us of something the church doesn’t understand about Eucharist. It is Christ’s gift to all of us, especially to those whom life has hurt and whom the church punishes for being hurt. If there is not food at the great feast for “the crippled, the blind, and the lame” Luke 14:15-24, the church is not a family but a country club.

via Close canon law books and open doors of love | National Catholic Reporter.

Michael Leach’s Aunt Mary, Uncle Louie, Ronald and Genevieve in 1948

Michael Leach has a gift for getting to the heart of the matter. The above article for the Soul Seeing column at National Catholic Reporter shows how cruel and unjust the letter of the Canon Law can be in the midst of a life lived. The story of his Aunt Mary describes the suffering of divorced and remarried Catholics in a more effective way than any theological treatise ever could. The ensuing discussion board has several heart-wrenching and thought-provoking personal stories and reflections on this issue.

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May 14, 2012 · 9:40 pm

Sacramental marriage beyond anatomy | National Catholic Reporter

If a sacrament is a sign of God’s grace, it follows that relationships that are signs of God’s love, mercy, forgiveness, and faithfulness are sacramental. These signs of grace are part of the new life that married couples are called to bring into the world, with or without children.

via Sacramental marriage beyond anatomy | National Catholic Reporter.

I support civil unions for gay couples. I believe it from a legal point of view, so the rights of couples in life-long relationships can be supported and upheld.

I have slowly learned to accept the unions from a relational and not only legal point of view. Why can’t we call it a legal marriage, if it is a loving commitment for life? As a Catholic, I rationalized this view by differentiating from a civil marriage and a sacramental marriage. A union of two women or two men will never be a sacramental marriage in the eyes of the Church, so why should we get our shorts in a knot over a marriage on purely legal terms? There. I satisfied my liberal heart and my Catholic conscience.

Until I read Jamie L. Manson’s NCR article Sacramental marriage beyond anatomy. Now I have to rethink my whole view of sacramental marriage.

Jamie shares her own family experience of marriage, which included hardships and divorce. It wasn’t until she was in grad school that she observed the marriages of friends as being truly sacramental.

What made my straight friends’ marriages sacramental wasn’t the fact that their anatomies matched up in a particular way or that they could procreate. As I learned from my childhood, complementing genders and an ability to reproduce in no way guarantees that a marriage will be graced or sacramental. Their marriage was good and holy because it helped both partners to grow in generosity, compassion, mercy, and faithfulness.

She now believes that

the sacramental nature of marriage should be judged by whether there is equality and mutuality between spouses, whether the relationship helps both spouses to flourish individually and as a couple, and whether their relationship brings the love, mercy, and faithfulness of God more fully into our world.

If this is the case, is it so inconceivable to dare to see a loving, committed union between two women or two men as a sacrament?

Of course, this is getting into dangerous territory for it would force us to rethink our entire sacramental theology. If we accept this logic, that the efficacy of a sacrament shouldn’t depend on anatomy, then the reasoning behind the male only priesthood would also have to be thrown out the window.

We have to be careful about opening the windows of our minds and hearts. For one wee breeze can quickly turn into a freely blowing wind of change.

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June 29, 2011 · 8:53 pm

a 30 year rose

My husband and I celebrated 30 years of marriage this past weekend. It seems like yesterday that our kids surprised us with a big, back-yard shindig for our 25th. At the time, we renewed our vows surrounded by family and friends. I wore my wedding dress, which is not as big a deal as it sounds. Polyester knit is much more forgiving than today’s corseted glories!

Our 30th was a quieter, intimate affair. We went to a favourite bistro with our matron of honour and best man, and reminisced about the years behind us. Our children grew up together. We were “aunts” and “uncles” all around, the divide between family and friends easily forgotten. Weekly phone calls have kept us in touch with the goings on of our respective clans. Visits were always fewer than we wanted, but cherished all the more. With real friends, there’s no need for re-acquaintances. You pick up where you left off.

The following day we were treated to a barbecue by our eldest son and his wife. They are counting the days to the birth of our first grand-child. We revelled in their joy and excitement. I used my tired old line…if God didn’t make the last weeks of pregnancy so uncomfortable, then no woman in her right mind would look forward to labour! We giggled at the wee outfits packed for the hospital – one blue and one pink . Only one baby, but still a surprise! We also caught up with all the sib news and the latest on the extended family.

 After thirty years, it’s wonderful to still be crazy in love. And it’s wonderful to have the gift of family and friends to share it with. They expand that small circle of two into a life’s journey worth celebrating. 

(The Rose by Bette Midler was our wedding song.  I still get verklempt each time I hear the opening bars. And, yes, I insist on a dance with my honey each anniversary!)  

 

 

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June 8, 2011 · 6:00 am

the greatest is love

minnie – the walking muppet!

Our family is celebrating the engagement of our daughter to a wonderful young man. It`s a lovely reprieve from the doom and gloom of daily news. Whether among the famous or closer to home, I`m tired of hearing stories of men and women behaving badly. Commitment and faithfulness are optional and relationships are disposable. Where is love in all the mess?

Our family is blessed with many long  marriages – love that has been tested by time and all the kaka that daily realities can throw at it. Our children have the living example of four grand-parents and their own parents. (Hmmm….among the three couples, we can boast over 140 years of marriage – yikes!)

Our children have had their share of rotten relationships and disappointments. Each time, the clan rallies to offer support. And, yes, when one of us is treated badly, watch out. We share our anger, too…don`t mess with us! We call it love. ;-)

We sometimes have to go out with a rotter or two before we find the perfect soul mate.  On the plus side, it helps us recognize the qualities that are important to us. And when that one person is  finally found, all seems right with the world. We know it, and those who love us most know it too. The best of joys is joy shared.

Of all the gifts given to us….the greatest of these is love. It is the stuff of dreams, joys, and hope for a better tomorrow.

(Why the photo? Miss Minnie is our `grand-puppy`, and is standing in for the happy couple! )

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May 15, 2011 · 4:37 pm

World Day of Prayer for Vocations

Pope Paul VI instituted the first World Day of Prayer for Vocations, on the Fourth Sunday of Easter, in 1964. The inclusivity of the term vocations varies. Most Catholics were raised to think of vocations in terms of the ministerial priesthood or consecrated (vowed religious) life. Benedict XVI`s letter for the 48th World Day of Prayer for Vocations reflects this definition. Others use the term more broadly to include the laity and our life commitments.  All are vocations and all need our prayers.

As I get older I have a new appreciation of the word, vocation. I`m at the age where peers and friends are firmly established in their professions and careers, or contemplating retirement. My own children are at the other end of the spectrum – still discerning life choices or in the early years of their careers. Discernment in the midst of uncertainty is difficult work and often a long, winding journey before all the pieces fall into place.

Because of our stage in life, we have had many discussions with friends and family about the difference between a job and a vocation. A job is an obligation and responsibility. We drag ourselves out of bed in the morning to face the daily grind of family tasks and paid work. Children must be looked after. Wages must be earned. There is little incentive to do more than the minimum requirement to fulfill our obligation.

A vocation is a calling. It identifies our gifts, talents, and passions, summoning us to use them for the greater good of others. In doing so, we find our own lives fulfilled. Do you know a doctor, nurse, or other health care provider who practises medicine as a vocation as opposed to a job? What about a teacher or professor? What about an emergency responder, fire-fighter, or police officer? What about the server, clerk or cashier who makes your day brighter by their professionalism and pleasant manner? What about the parents or grand-parents who selflessly care for and nurture young ones to their fullest potential? Our world is made better by those who live their daily lives as a vocation, and not just a job.

Our Church is made better by women and men who live faithful lives that honour commitments made to themselves, others, and to God. In a time of soaring divorce rates, women and men continue to pledge their life-long love to each other. And many celebrate silver, golden, and even diamond anniversaries.

With scandals making head-lines around the world, it is a difficult time for young people to contemplate vowed religious life or ordination. Yet contemplate it they do, and with amazing courage they answer the call to a religious vocation. They have as their mentors and models women and men who have joyfully celebrated silver, golden and even diamond jubilees in religious and ordained life.

On this World Day of Prayer, we pray for all young people that they may be open to God`s Spirit calling them to the fullness of life – in whatever vocation they are summoned to. We pray in thanksgiving for all the women and men we know who live their vocations with integrity, commitment and passion. They are our models and our mentors. And we pray that we, too, may be faithful in our own vocations that we may be models and mentors to others.

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February 14, 2011 · 6:00 am

cycle of love

Valentine`s Day celebrates the sentimental love of sweethearts, roses, and paper hearts. It is right that we exalt, promote and celebrate the great gift of love. Heaven knows we need more of it in our world.

We also need to acknowledge that true love takes hard work. My husband and I were first told this at an Engagement Encounter, a marriage preparation course we had to take before we could be married in the church. Of course, we would have eventually figured this out on our own. But we were given a helpful nugget of wisdom that I have pondered to this day. Here it is…

All relationships go through a cycle of romance, disillusionment and true joy. It`s the romance stage that is usually celebrated on Valentine`s Day. Hearts are a-fluttering and birds are a-singing. The world is perfect and so is your chosen one. Nothing can go wrong!

Then something does. It can be a series of small annoyances, a major blow-up, or the creeping lethargy of boredom. Whatever it is, disillusionment rears its ugly head. You yearn to go back to the time of romance, but you can`t ignore or bypass the kaka. Together, you have to buckle down and plow through it. The kaka can be conquered! If you are successful, your reward is true joy. :-)

True joy is synonymous to the image of gold being purified by fire. Love has been tested, and found to be true. Is this the end of it? No. You enter once more into a stage of romance, followed by another bout of disillusionment (damn!) and yet more true joy. Hopefully, each time you go through the cycle you will grow in both wisdom and love.

Of course, each couple is unique. The length or frequency of the stages in the cycle can be months or years. At this point in our marriage, we can sometimes zip through the three stages in a matter of hours! But I still remember that first, horrible experience of disillusionment – wondering if we would ever get through it. We were blessed that we did. We don`t take it for granted – for many don`t.

The beauty of this cycle image is the constant hope and promise of true joy. This is love truly worth celebrating.   

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